A note to self.

Dear Me,

This is a friendly reminder over a few things that have been happening to me the past month.

1. Watch your sugar levels. Finding out that you may have diabeties (Good Grief, when am I gonna make time to see a Doc about this??) doesn't mean I should have cut so much sugar out of my diet, so soon. End result was a month of mood swings and depression. Thankfully, I came to realise this while having a hot soak in a tub in the KL Hilton while on a press trip (Thank you friendly mobilephone manufacturer for once again footing my overseas press junket).

It was kinda a weird ride. I was snippy and lost my temper so easily, even when in a 'discussion' with my boss. Thankfully he's the oblivious type, even though I apologised later.

I really hate this. I really hate getting angry and depressed, and then, half an hour later, realising that I was being an absoloute idiot.

2. Soldier on, my boy. Work is getting tough, thanks to the boss's interference, but hang in there and go on. I still have a lot to prove, and an entire magazine to build up. The opportunity to excel and make a name for myself means the need to sacrifice better pay for now, but see how things go in 6 months.

3. Stop trying to force a relationship! I know that I'm once again getting lonely, partly due to being in a depressive cycle (see article 1), but if the person that I like doesn't recprociate, don't drink myself into a depressive mood, which I very nearly did tonight. Face facts and life. I won't ever find a woman who will love me as myself, and I can't change who I am that much, although God knows I've tried in the past.

I am such a little schoolboy when it comes to this now. It's been years since I was in a relationship (and remember how that turned out - 6 months of massive depression). Just stop trying, I suck at this now, I've lost all ability to be attractive to women, and that certain woman that I've become very attracted to this past six months, but more than likely doesn't have the same feelings for me that I do for her.

I give up, ok? Hey Life! I surrender! I get the point that there's no-one remotely interested in me. Thank you for once again rubbing my face into this fact!

I should be happy to be who I am, and not try to be artificial. I've had a good look at my heart and soul, and I know that I am a good person at the core, so I shouldn't change or not be true to myself in order to find fleeting love.

Desperation is not something that I do well, so it's of no use to me. Stop desperately trying and just be who I am.

Forget about love for now. Forget for now about how much I would like to find a life partner, and to have children to adore. Force myself to be more logical and less irrational in matters of the heart.

Live my life as myself, not as how I idealise it to be.

All the best and take care,

Me

Added:

My Dear,

I'm writing this in a little fit of depression (I do all my blogs while melancholic) after the last post, I've given some thought to certain things that I wrote up above.

To whit. I really do give up.

I've signaled intentions, sent gifts and tried to ask you out plenty of times, but the best response I've gotten.. is practically no response.

Which is very frustrating.

A sign of displeasure would have clarified the situation. I'd have backed off a long time ago if that was the case.

A sign of pleasure, on the other hand, would have hopefully seen things progress.

No response, however, has left me hanging on the vine these past few months. And I kinda feel I've hung there long enough.

I guess I'm just tired of my preceived uncertainties. I don't know how you feel about me, but I on the other hand had very nearly fallen in love with you.

Very nearly...

This sounds stupid. But yeah, I stopped myself from falling in love with you... simply because I have no idea if you had any such feelings to me, and I was leery about pushing to much, going overboard in my attempts to attract your attention, and then very likely souring a friendship that I treasure tremendously.

We've never even dated, and I hardly see you at all, so in all logic, it's impossible for me to remotely have serious feelings for you.

Yet, whenever we do meet up, I go through so many emotions.

I get irrationally envious when you talk to other guys.
I feel wonderful when you smile at me.
I despair to ever attract your attention.
I'm depressed when I once again realise that I'm deluding myself, that you will never be the part of my life that I wish you to be.

If you've read this and figured out you are the person I'm refering to. I'm sorry to bring this up here and now, since I understand that things are not going optimal for you as well.

Time and fate seems to have conspired on both of us to a large extent, but do you know what I really think? I feel that you've tried to let me down 'gently' by ignoring all my overtures. Sorry to finally receive your 'message' after so long.

I guess that I need to clear the air. I wish I had the ability to smoothly sweep you of your feet, to shower you with my affection and receive yours.. but I'm too much of a klutz in love and a blockhead to do so.

So, I've finally decided that all my hopes and dreams to be with you are simply that, the hopes and dreams of a fool.

I've put myself through enough emotional self-torture. It's a stupid adolescent thing to do for a near middle-aged guy, but since when have I been mature?

I guess I'll be seeing you around, one of these days, but I sincerely wish that you'll find all the love and happiness in life that you richly deserve.